I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
