Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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