I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize