so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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