I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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