Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(914): View more from New York

I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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(914): View more from New York

yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans

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(716): View more from New York

sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner

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(770): View more from Georgia

She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.

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(850): View more from Florida

i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...

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(309): View more from Illinois

I stole so many things from the ER last night.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag

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