omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
