hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
