this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
wow bdsm is so cute
Randomize
