Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
