A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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