I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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