I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
