It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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