You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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