Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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