Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
