dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize