Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
