i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
My ass is underappreciated
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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