Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
