thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
