hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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