Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
