even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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