I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize