everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
