I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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