Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
