He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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