Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
