So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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