Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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