you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
