Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
