I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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