i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
