Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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