Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
