the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
