sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
