i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he told me I talked like a deaf person
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Randomize
