I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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