Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
