BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
