All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
