How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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