It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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