This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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