Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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