I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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