I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
