Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
