my phone needs a breathalizer
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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