Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
