You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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