i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
