sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
