I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
