I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
