ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
