Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Randomize
