If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
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