I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just had sex on a roof
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
